God Save the Queen

Last November, I got married. Of course in doing so, there inevitably come some very big changes, most notably your name and (bom ba bommmmmm!!!!!) your bank account. Now having had my very own bank account since I was 15 and having worked very very hard to build up a nice little nest egg, I was somewhat hesitant to combine accounts. But again I sought the counsel (do you see a theme developing here?? I can very rarely do anything without getting at least 6 opinions on the matter…it's a sick game I like to play because most of the time I listen to none of them and forge ahead with what I originally intended on doing) and this time I actually took the advice of pretty much everyone and decided to take the plunge into join account land. However, if I was going to have to share accounts, I was hell bent on making the process as difficult as possible. It's just my nature. My husband and I shared the same bank but after a particularly nasty encounter with them (a story for another day), I decided that we just needed to find a new place to call banking home. After months and months of research, we finally landed on one. The day we went in to change accounts I was horribly nervous…visibly shaken and highly irritable (a combination that will more often than not lead to what my mother likes to call a Nuclear Meltdown). My husband (God Bless His Sweet Soul) was feeling the effects of this and normally a levelheaded bloke, he became a tad unhinged as well and forgot to bring any money with him to deposit in to the new accounts and when asked what his mother's maiden name was proceeded to reply, "Rebecca." This kind of behavior threw me further into the death spin of crazy and by the time we left, I had to be by myself for a couple of hours, leaving half of the banking duties undone, to be tackled another yet to be determined day. That was a month ago. Just yesterday I was able to muster up the courage to finish the deed and close out my old account.

Now as I mentioned before, I have absolutely no feelings of love towards my old bank anymore. I equate my relationship with them to the bad boyfriend that you just cannot stand but find it damn near impossible to stop answering their phone calls. So yesterday when I made my way there, I felt almost smug as if I had accomplished a large breakthrough (I'm all about breakthroughs) and was ready to call it quits with this toxic relationship. In fact, I practiced the break up conversation on the way there. It went something like this:

Bank Rep: "And Ma'am, can you tell us why you are closing your account with us today?"

Righteous Me: "Well not that it's frankly any of your business, but I have been appalled at your treatment of a long time customer. You should be ashamed, ASHAMED, of yourselves! Now give me my money and get out of my sight you filthy animal!!!"

(Bank Rep hands me my check and scampers off wailing)

What really happened went something like this:

Bank Rep: "And Ma'am, can you tell us why you are closing your account with us today"

Me: "Ummmmmm, wellllllllll, (LONG PREGNANT PAUSE) my husband and I are moving" (I panicked…and then panicked some more as I realized this bank is EVERYWHERE)

Bank Rep: "Oh well, where are you moving to?"

Panicked Me: "London."

LONDON?!?!?! LONDON?!?!?!?! What ensued thereafter was an encounter built on lies. I would like to say I blacked out and can't remember the details, but that too would be a lie. There were more details thrown out about my new life in London and the adventures that awaited us there. I even have a few restaurant suggestions if anyone is actually headed that way sometime soon.

I guess when it comes down to it, I was too worried about hurting this strangers feelings. It's not as if her great great great grandfather had founded the stupid bank and I was spitting on his grave by telling the truth. I told my husband about it and all he had to say afterwards was "well did you get the money?" and I said "yes, but with a price. My dignity"

Anyway, the deed is done and now after entirely too much rigamaroll we share one account and I have to say, it's not that bad. In fact it's pretty comforting to know that we really are in this thing together and at least if I do have to move to London, I'm not going alone.

For now, all I have to say for myself is "God Save the Queen!"